The myths surrounding the female orgasm are as numerous as those surrounding sex… letting go of the myths can improve your sex life and orgasms.
Myth 1. Women find reaching orgasm harder than men do.
Studies now prove this myth to be untrue. What is true is that women have a much harder time reaching orgasm through penetration with a man, or during sexual intimacy with a man than they do when having sex with another woman or when masturbating. In a 2018 study of 52,588 Americans[1], the orgasmic capacity (the ability to orgasm) was found to be 95% for both men and women when they were masturbating. The results changed when the study looked at sexual intimacy. When the parameter “usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate” was analysed, the results are fascinating. The term “sexually intimate” means a sexual experience, as a woman might have orgasmed during the period of being intimate, but not necessarily during penetration. The results for orgasm through penetration is given as a separate figure.
- Heterosexual men – the figure remained at 95%
- Gay men – 89%
- Bisexual men – 88%
- Lesbian women – 86%
- Bisexual women – 66%
- Heterosexual women – 65% (during sexual intimacy)
In another 2018 study of 1,055 women[2]:
- 4% of women reported that intercourse alone was sufficient for orgasm.
- 6% reported clitoral stimulation was necessary for orgasm during penetrative sex.
- 36% indicated that, while clitoral stimulation was not needed, their orgasms feel better if their clitoris is stimulated during intercourse.
This means in the general population, 95% of women have orgasmic capacity, but less than 20% of women achieve orgasm through penetration alone.
In terms of sexual dysfunction, over 80% of women have the dysfunction termed “situational anorgasmia” when it comes to penetrative sex with men.
Common sense tells us that if 80% of women experience the same thing, that must be the norm and cannot possibly be a dysfunction.
Myth 2. There are different types of orgasm – vaginal orgasm verses the clitoral orgasm
This myth is a legacy left behind by Sigmund Freud. He believed that a clitoral orgasm was an immature version of a vaginal one, or to be more exact, a vaginal orgasm being where the orgasm had occurred through penetration. Remember that Freud was also promoting the idea of female sexual hysteria as a mental illness; the symptoms of which were masturbation, sexual fantasies, women having sex with other women and a high libido. So it would make sense that he pathologicalised anything other than orgasm via penetration with a penis. This was seen as the only way a woman should orgasm, anything else was seen as lesser than or “immature”, i.e. if you can’t orgasm with a man, then there is something wrong with you.
Orgasms can feel very different but all of them involve the clitoris.
Your clitoris is the size of your palm, has internal and external parts and can be stimulated by thought alone, stimulation of another body part causing arousal and blood flow to the clitoris, direct stimulation of the clitoral glans (tip), rubbing of the whole vulva, and internal stimulation through the vaginal canal wall being pressed or rubbed with a tongue, finger, sex toy or penis. So the question is not what kind of orgasm can I have, but what stimulation do I need to reach orgasm?
Myth 3. Orgasms from penetrative sex are most common and the healthiest form of sexual expression
We have already busted the first part of this myth by understanding that less than 20% of women reach orgasm via penetrative sex, so an orgasm from penetrative sex are the least common. The “healthiest form of sexual expression”? I suspect that’s a relic from the time that women’s sexuality was much more controlled; and where we were told that only sex (orgasm) with a man was acceptable and anything else was shameful or less than.
Myth 4. Women need to be in love to orgasm
Another relic from the past, from the long-gone belief that only a woman in a committed relationship (marriage) should be having sex. This belief was also used to pressure women into sex – “If you loved me you would,” – which fuelled the idea that if you don’t orgasm with a man you don’t find him attractive or arousing.
Myth 5. A partner can tell if a woman has had an orgasm
There is only one way a partner can tell if a woman is having an orgasm or had one. She tells them. They might be obvious signs that she could be, but most women outwardly express their orgasms in very different ways.
Myth 6. All women express orgasmic pleasure in the same way
There is an expectation on how a woman should express her orgasm and/or arousal. This causes many women to “perform” their sexual arousal when with a partner, which can take away from her sexual pleasure. Pornography and depictions of sex teaches us that we should be screaming as orgasmic bliss sweeps through us. For some women that is precisely how it occurs, others become very quiet as they experience an orgasm, and most women do different things at different times. There is no standard or right way of experiencing an orgasm.
Myth 7. Women who cannot orgasm have psychological problems
Trauma, performance anxiety, relationship issues, and poor mental health can make it more difficult for a woman to orgasm, but these things cause no problem for many women. Many people with healthy sexual attitudes and/or good relationships can still have difficulties. The ability to orgasm or not is not an indicator of a person’s psychological health.
Myth 8. Squirting isn’t authentic or squirting is an ideal
Squirting is very real. But it doesn’t look like it does in pornography; the gushing seen in pornography films is performance (remember, porn isn’t real). The squirting is often the product of water packets inserted into the vagina as a special effect to enhance the film. Squirting isn’t a marker of a better or worse orgasm, some women squirt, some squirt sometimes and some never do. Squirting can also occur when a woman isn’t orgasming. The perceived requirement to squirt during sex is a relatively new thing. This has mainly come about from its appearance in pornography, causing people to believe this is what an almighty orgasm looks like. So now many women are not only required to chase an orgasm but also squirt as well. Researchers still don’t quite understand or agree on what the fluid released during squirting is. Some insist it’s simply urine, others consider it female ejaculate, containing prostate hormones similar to those found in semen. Either way, it’s a thing.
Myth 9. Orgasms from masturbation ruin your orgasms with a partner
Masturbation does not mess up your chances of orgasm during partnered sex, but a 2016 study shows that it doesn’t increase your chances of an orgasm with a partner either if you feel very body conscious, feel under pressure to orgasm or your relationship is unstable[3]. Masturbation and exploring your body are the best way to learn what works for you. You can share your self-knowledge with a partner, they then also have the information to help you to orgasm.
It’s also great to have this knowledge about your partner; orgasm isn’t the goal of sex and knowing both how to give and receive pleasure during sex with a particular partner makes everything far more enjoyable for everyone. The key here is to share the knowledge you have learned about yourself. The more orgasms you have, the better you understand the differing ways you can have them. This feeds back positively into your lifeforce, causing want and desire to have more of them.
Myth 10. Good sex is when you have an orgasm
Think back to the most erotic experience you have had. What made it so memorable? It may have involved an explosive orgasm, but it’s probably not the most crucial part of the memory. Foreplay, setting, your connection with your partner, the intensity of the experience all plays a role. Also it may have been the anticipation, eroticism or feeling free that made it memorable. Remember, women can orgasm alone 95% of the time, if our sexual pleasure is measured by the incidence of orgasm, we would never want to share it with another person.
Myth 11. Women don’t get physically frustrated when they can’t orgasm
The experience men can have known as “blue balls” the feeling of frustration, anger and genital discomfort from unresolved sexual stimulation, has a female equivalent often called “pink walls.” Women can experience pain across the whole vulva or a painfully throbbing clitoris, and the same feelings of frustration and anger. We can be just as sexually frustrated as men.
Myth 12. You should be having multiple orgasms when you have sex
Women can stay at a heightened level of arousal after orgasm and experience a second (or third or fourth) orgasm in rapid succession. According to research only about 15% of women have experienced multiple orgasms[4], meaning 85% don’t, so if you are in that 85%, there is no reason that you should be having them.
Myth 13. Faking orgasms to make your partner feel good is part of a woman’s sex life
In the long run it might feel like you are doing your partner a favour, but it doesn’t help anyone. Faking orgasms is a form of lying both to your partner and yourself. If you fake orgasm, you neglect your own sexual satisfaction; it signals to your partner all is well and that what just occurred totally works for you. Our partners want to please us, our orgasms are important to them, so if you are faking it you are reinforcing an action that doesn’t do it for you and not exploring ways that might. We essentially dig ourselves into a big hole of dissatisfaction and our partner is none the wiser, thinking everything is orgasmic. Yes, it can be disappointing for a partner when we don’t experience orgasm, but that can usually be resolved with open and honest communication.
I often have women tell me that their partners tell them “no one else has complained” or “it’s always worked with previous partners”, I point out that perhaps the previous partner faked it. Also, how we get to the point of orgasm is individual; it’s not a “one way fits all” thing.
So why do women fake orgasm so often?
Because women are taught to believe a partner’s sexual confidence is more important than our own pleasure, and that the most common way to have a partnered orgasm is actually the way they are least likely to. Women also do this because they believe that they should have orgasmed, and they feel shame when they don’t. The phrase fake it until you make it really doesn’t end well in this situation; think of it as “believe it until you achieve it” and then explore with a mindset of curiosity.
Kaz Riley is an award-winning hypnotherapist, sex educator and author based in Yorkshire, England. She is the creator of the Sexual Freedom Hypnosis® therapy programme and author of “Woman: How to Find, Understand and Embrace Your Sexual Pleasure.” Sign up for Kaz’s free resources and emails to help you discover your authentic sexual self. Check Kaz’s youtube channel Trancing in the sheets.
https://kazrileywoman.com/the-book-woman-by-kaz-riley/
[1] Frederick, D., John, H., Garcia, J. and Lloyd, E., 2017. Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(1), pp.273-288.
[2] Herbenick, D., Fu, T., Arter, J., Sanders, S. and Dodge, B., 2017. Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(2), pp.201-212.
[3] Kontula, O., 2017. Determinants of Female Sexual Orgasms. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 14(5), p.e219.
[4] Kontula, O., 2017. Determinants of Female Sexual Orgasms. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 14(5), p.e219.
Frederick DA, John HKS, Garcia JR, Lloyd EA. Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample. Arch Sex Behav. 2018 Jan;47(1):273-288. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z. Epub 2017 Feb 17. PMID: 28213723.
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[KR2]Debby Herbenick, Tsung-Chieh (Jane) Fu, Jennifer Arter, Stephanie A. Sanders & Brian Dodge(2018) Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy,44:2, 201-212, DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530